So I had another baby. That may come as news to many of you- but that’s just part of my charm. And in typical form, I said nothing to anyone about it- until I posted a picture of him on facebook in late October. And I’ll tell you why…Pregnancy to me is 9 months of hell. And it’s not the hell most Mom’s think of (getting fat, hemorrhoids, not sleeping)- it’s the hell of not believing that the baby inside of me is healthy. It’s the hell of constantly questioning the miracle of a woman’s body. It’s the hell of mentally reliving the past five years of my life. It’s the hell of invasive test and waiting for results that can never catch everything. It’s the hell of being robbed of joy during a period that should be joyful. But when past behavior is the best predictor of future outcome- you stand on edge every single day of those 9 months…and then every day after. Oh, I also got fat, hemorrhoids, and didn’t sleep either.

Now that’s not to say that when I found out I was pregnant- I wasn’t ecstatic. Because I was. This was the first pregnancy that I really had to try – and when that word “Pregnant” finally appeared on that weird pee stick, I ran downstairs in my crazy leopard print robe and told Alex — to which he responded by jumping up and down and giving me hugs and kisses…or at least that’s the reaction I was hoping for. But instead, I got his typical, “cool” response. I guess that’s part of his charm too. Or part of his wall- understandably so.  But that was it- after that morning urination, the joy was gone and in its place came panic. Was it a boy?

So I got my bloodwork done- and I waited. And finally, as I was pulling into the garage at work, I answered my phone and heard confirmation of what I already knew, “Mary, it’s a boy.” She also gave me some other details about testing next steps- but all I heard was BOY. And I CRIED. I mean ugly, hyperventilating, insane cry. It was like all the pain of the past five years consumed my body- and I swear, it physically hurt. There was a little boy living inside of me- a boy with a chance of Menkes. MENKES- a word, a reality of my life, that I’ll never be able to shake… And to think, only five years earlier, I had a pregnancy in which my biggest fear was the baby getting my grandfather’s nose. I craved my previous ignorance- but it was long gone.  So I did what every good woman in the thirties does…I called my mom and cried some more. Then I called my husband. (Yes, in that order). And after that, I did what us woman do- I got out of my car and I went to work- like nothing happened.

So 40 weeks, a CVS, clean genetic results, and almost zero acknowledgment of the massive baby bump hanging off the front of me, baby did what baby was suppose to do- he came out in the most beautiful feat of nature….or, he was cut out of me during a horrible repeat C-section. Either way- he’s here. And he’s stunning! He has bright sparkly eyes, a dimple in his chin, two in his cheeks, and a smile that melts your heart.  All too familiar. But there are differences too…he’s physically strong, his hair is smooth, his skin is tight, he eats (sometimes)- and he doesn’t have Menkes. He’s been here a total of six sleepless, anxious filled months- and he’s worth every wrinkle, every worry, every mental episode I had along the way. I guess this is what healing looks like….

And while I want to sit here and write about the pain I feel today and everyday, but especially today- four years to the day when he died in my arms- I’m really trying not to. That’s not to say that I haven’t been up since 1AM, have a cold compress on my eyes from tears, already had 5 diet cokes, a bowl of ice cream, and googled what time Scotty Dog opens for a hot dog….cause I have. But as I sit here and wait for my other babies to wake up, writing this in the bed where he took his last breath, I can honestly say we, Alex and I, have joy in our lives again. We have the joy that Teddy allowed us- first when he gave us Royce and now with Guy.  So today is what it is- but because of Teddy- I have a tomorrow. Something four years ago- I didn’t think was possible.

T-E-D-D-Y, Teddyman is Mommy’s Guy….

I love you to the moon and back Teddy Fish, until we meet again- remember that.