I’m not sure when the last time I wrote was. Too long ago
for sure. And in that time, many things have happened: Royce turned into a fire-breathing
princess dragon like her mom, I’ve buried myself in work, and Teddy’s little
sister became his big sister. Another beyond unnatural event in the the life of
Mary Fish.

 

I absolutely hate it. She’s 13 months. He’s 12. He was born in
2013, she was born in 2014. She’s crawling, standing, climbing, eating,
talking, and over-achieving on milestones. And he’s a memory. I can’t
appropriately put into words the pain of having two one years olds- and only
one to physically love. The pride she gets from the simplest things is
delightful- but knowing that he never had any or it-  not even a french fry is gut-wrenching.  I absolutely hate it, the unnatural that has
become my life.

 

And to be honest, I don’t want to spend an enormous amount
of time writing a post that’s going to set me back two weeks.  I don’t. I can’t, because I’m already there
and I don’t need to go further. On November 1, 2013, I was out to dinner with
my husband and in-laws for his birthday. We had discussed eating in- but I was
so exhausted from trying to feed and sooth Teddy all-day everyday, that I just needed
a break. When I picked him up after dinner, I instantly knew something was
wrong. I took him home and stripped him down-105 fever. I knew I should not
have left him that night- but instead I made a selfish decision. I would love to forget that night- but I can’t…I remember everything and I’m 110% to blame. Maybe another reason I can't forget that night is because it the was kickoff to two weeks of hell- and the end of my old life.

 

And this isn’t some sort of warning- it’s just a reminder
that to anyone dealing with this loss that it doesn’t go away. It’s not always
the holidays that set us back- it can be a reminder of a selfish decision or an
outfit that sparks a crushing memory. November 2013 was the last time that I was
whole- the last time I thought I had it all. November is the month that the
unnatural became the norm- and ironically enough, it's Menkes awareness month. Cheers to faking it for another 23 days- cause that's not exhausting or anything. 

 

I love you to the moon and back Teddy Fish. Il never let
anyone forget you.