Sunday’s were my favorite with Teddy-it was an all day Mommy
and Teddy love-fest. It was giggles and kisses, catnaps, toys, play mats, and
movies. But most of the time he would just sit there, on my lap for hours, the
most content little baby in the world. And every now and then he would look up
-just to make sure it was still his Mommy that was

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holding him. Those beautiful
shinny eyes and long eyelashes would peek up at me and say, “phew- still there.” I absolutely loved that. I kept telling Alex
that I really wanted to get a picture of it- him looking up to see me- but I
ran out of time…we, ran out of time.

And one Sunday, April 27th, started like so many
other Sundays. At 3 am, almost like clockwork, my Teddy Man started to cry.
Alex walked into his room and brought him and his feeding bag back to bed with
us- like he did most mornings. Then Alex and his untrustworthy sleeping habits rotated
in the bed so that he was on the other side of me, and I was sandwiched between
my men. Teddy would lie next to me, and 90% of the time, fall right back to
sleep. Then an hour or two later, I would feel the most amazing feeling in the
world- his little Teddy hand lightly running across my face as if to say- “Mommy,
time to play!” But not that Sunday, not April 27th. Teddy did go back to bed as
soon as he snuggled up with me- but the wake-up was not the amazing subtle
Teddy-touch that I still dream of. Instead it’s the one that still leaves me
with that sick queasy feeling. I-we- woke up to Teddy vomiting. It's the most
unforgettable sound- the most gut-turning sound there is- especially for a
mother who knows her baby doesn’t have the

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strength to roll-over. Alex and I
immediately popped up and I turned him on his side as quickly as possible. But the
vomit burns, and Teddy started crying- the type of cry that told me he hurt.
The type of cry I really only heard from him when this happened… time and time
again. The type of cry that cuts a mother to her core.

I immediately got out of bed and held him, smothered him
with kisses until he calmed down. And after he did, I cleaned him up and we
started our Sunday love-fest together like usual. What I didn't know at the
time- that Sunday was the start of a lung infection that would take his life-
and that Sunday was our last Teddy-Mommy love-fest ever. The following Sunday,
May 4th, I spent in bed with him all

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day- our fifth straight day in
bed. He was dressed in his long sleeve Superman t-shirt, socks and no pants. He
was no longer attached to his feed bag because his intestines had shut-down. Instead, he had a morphine pump straight into his right thigh. He no longer opened his eyes, he no
longer held my hand, and in between minutes of not breathing, I was wiping up
his face from all of the fluids that were coming out of his nose as his body
shut down on him. And at around 9pm that Sunday evening, the hospice nurse sat
beside the bed during one particularly long period where Teddy stopped
breathing. It was more than a minute and a half when she looked me in the face
and said- I can’t hear his heartbeat. It was seconds after her announcement
that I felt it- I got chills and this very strange feeling. I don’t know how to
accurately describe it- but my baby felt different, completely different. I
know Teddy’s spirit left his body that night around 9pm. He may have started
breathing again,

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and officially died on Monday, but his spirit was in heaven
already- he got the peace he finally deserved on a Sunday- our day.

I love you to the moon and back Teddy Fish. I will never let
anyone forget you.