I ran away. I had to.

I just needed to get out of this place- this town, this apartment. I felt like I was going to crack if I saw one more person – or had to answer, “how are you?” one more time. One more word, look, phone call, email, anything- and I was going to shatter into

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But the moment I opened that apartment door tonight every bit of emotion, ever ounce of pain came rushing in like a tidal wave coming to drown me. And I wish

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again. I want nothing more than to hold him again-to kiss him and hear his giggles, to watch his eyes light up with joy. Without him, without those beautiful moments in my life- I have nothing left. I’m a body without a heart or soul. It left me last Monday- and I can’t understand for the life of me why God would leave me and take him. Take us both – but don’t leave me here without him- this is torture, torture of unimaginable pain.

It was six nights, six long nights away from his stuff, his clothes, his bed, and his toys. I had no blanket of his to cuddle with- no worn clothes of his to smell- no shaggy red nursery carpet to sleep on. And while it was six nights of sporadic breakdowns, tears, Teddy stories, and consistent picture viewing- it felt like small progress. But it wasn’t-

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was impossible. Everywhere we went it was in my face. Mothers with their children- enjoying a day dedicated to the greatest pleasure and joy on earth- motherhood. I wanted to be a mother- we wanted to be parents- that was a decision we made.

And the moment you have your first child you never imagine that being taken away from you. The transition into parenthood is suppose to be permanent- not temporary. Last week I was a mom- this week I’m not. So in case you want a serious answer to that questions… how am I? I’m childless and destroyed.

I love you to the moon and back Teddy Fish. I will never let anyone forget you.