“Do you believe people are inherently good?” That question was
asked to both Alex and I during separate job interviews.  Alex said ‘Yes,’ I said ‘No.’ I got the
job. 

 

That question was asked more than 5 years ago. I meant no. I
always mean what I say- even during a job interview. During another interview I
was asked what was more important, “money or the work.” The obvious answer is work-
or at least a combination of the two. I knew that was the appropriate answer,
yet I said, “money.” Because that was the truth. I got the job.

 

And my very honest answer only helped my boss understand how
to motivate me. I once refused to interview someone he liked for a position on
my program. I told him this individual’s resume screamed moron- but he
insisted. Naturally, I continued to refuse…until he offered me (aka-bribed me)
with enough points to buy the brand new all-clad turkey roaster I had been
eyeing. Holding up my end of the bargain, I did the interview- and didn't hire
the moron. So tomorrow- my turkey, cooked by my sister but in my beautiful
all-clad roaster is devoted to him- my former boss. Someone please tell him of
this ‘great honor’ since I knew he doesn’t read this because in his words,
“that crap is sad.”

 

If I could relive both of those scenarios today, only one
answer would change and I’ll give you a hint- it’s not the one that got me my shiny
roasting pan. I’ve lived the large majority of my life as a distrusting
individual. I’ve always kept my distance, politely refused hugs, and let few
into the Mary circle of trust. To borrow my father’s expression, “I beat to my
own whistle.” But this last year has changed things- it’s changed everything in
fact. It turned this ice princess into a puddle.

 

When I first learned of Teddy’s diagnosis, I did what I would
normally do- I hibernated. The people closest to me were notified- but
naturally I asked them not to share the news. I moved to Boston and disappeared
from the lives of so many- so many people that considered us close. I guess
that’s the ultimate “Irish goodbye.” I regret that. But then my Mom talked me
into a caring bridge page. It was a perfect solution; those that truly cared
could read without waiting on a response from a text message, email, or phone
call that would go unanswered. I wasn’t ignoring them on purpose- I just didn’t
have the strength to deal with someone else’s emotions. So on second thought- I
think that does count as purposely ignoring them….but it wasn’t malicious. But
caring bridge turned into something different. It morphed into a blog of sorts
for my emotions. I tried to write about Teddy’s health but when a child is
terminal there is not a lot to update- and certainly no good news from a health
perspective.

 

Day 1- my son is dying and there is NO cure.

Day 2- still dying- still NO cure.

Day 180-even closer to dying, still NO cure.

 

I wish there was a battle underway. I wish he had a fighting
chance and I could write about his treatment- but clearly that wasn't the case.

 

So I opened my metaphorical mouth and I started writing. And
to be honest- I really don’t even know what those past posts say and I’m not
sure I’m in a place to re-read them yet. They were, and continue to be, a
reflection of where I am in this process- the process of losing a child. And
amazingly enough, people also started reading- and sharing. And then this
morphed again….into a platform for telling the world about my perfect Teddy,
menkes, and for sharing the process of grieving. And that’s when my answer
changed. Do I think people are inherently good…yes, yes I do.

 

So with tomorrow being thanksgiving, I want to depart from
my previous asshole finger-pointing post and instead thank those who were
there- and especially those that continue
to be there
. Thank those that follow our story and know our sons name. Thank
those that now know about menkes and do what they can to spread the word. Thank
those that devoted posts on their blogs, those that sent in #teamteddy photos,
those that follow us on social media. Thank those who opened up their wallets
or provided services/goods for the Teddy Fish fund, caring bridge, or hospice. Thank
those that sent Valentines Day cards or other cards of encouragement or
sympathy. Thank those who mailed gifts like amazing hand made hats, blankets,
pillows, capes, custom shirts, toys, books, and I love you to the moon and back
pictures. Thank those that came to his wake or funeral- near and far- and those
who visit his grave. Thank those that wear now-browning Team Teddy bracelets
and those who think of him when they see orange and blue. Thank those that
dedicated walks or races in Teddy’s honor.  Thank those that made working possible, as a
co-worker, a wonderful boss, or amazing caretaker.  Thank those who supported Alex, supported
Royce, took care of an exiled Tuna. Thank those that delivered food, flowers,
and sound advice. Thank those that didn’t judge me when I didn’t return a phone
call, text, or email. Thank those that didn't abandon me when I called God an
asshole, contemplated an abortion, or lashed out in anger. Thank those that
cried tears, those that cared for Teddy, and those that cared for me through
all of my emotions. Thank those who now hug their children a little bit closer.
Thank those who come home a few minutes earlier. But most importantly, thank
those that will never forget my angel and those who read this, even though this
“crap is sad.”

 

People are good, very good, very kind, and very genuine.
People embraced our family and did what they could to lift us up during the
worst of times. People restored my faith in people. People melted this ice
queen. So thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. While part of me
still wants to hibernate, retreat, and live a life of bitterness and
resentment- it’s the comments and the unwavering support that keeps me from
that dark place.

 

Thank you for proving me wrong… and for proving Alex right.

 

I love you to the moon and back Teddy Fish. I will never
ever let anyone forget you.